Monday, November 15, 2010

The Buried Life

I've been a fan of MTV's The Buried Life after seeing a couple of episodes from Season 1. I think the concept is simple but brilliant--to answer the question "What do you want to do before you die?", and come up with a list of 100 things and work to cross everything off the said list. What's an even nicer premise is that for every item they cross off their list, they help someone cross off an item on that person's list. It's The Bucket List with the Backstreet Boys circa 90's instead of old Jack and Morgan. With Oprah tendencies.

I think everyone has a buried life. To quote Jonnie Penn, one of the cast members, "You have things you're almost told to do, but sometimes, those things and all the things that go on in your life can bury you. You can feel like the whole world is on top of you. We wanted to dig through that and live our buried lives. ... We thought of looking at life as a finite resource and something worth celebrating." I absolutely agree. I think no matter how eyes-on-the-prize people can be, that attitude can sometimes be essentially "buried" under all the things that "matter"--responsibilities, relationships, the need to be accepted, the need to eat, sleep and be comfortable. That list goes on, more than some bucket lists. For some, it may be their life's bucket list. 


I haven't exactly made my own 100 Things to Do Before I Die list. I do have a few things in mind, some simple, some spectacularly insane if I were to pull it off. I think that will be a project for me in the coming year. 


Anyway, here's the poem that inspired the idea for the project, and later, the TV show. Like Jonnie, the following lines really hit deep:


But often, in the world's most crowded streets,
But often, in the din of strife,
There rises an unspeakable desire
After the knowledge of our buried life;

It is so exemplary of human nature, how realizations come out of the blue, amidst an average crowd. How hope is so able to remain in one's heart, despite strife. How everyone has a goal, and all goals involve rising up and shaking off the "the buried life"


The Buried Life
BY MATTHEW ARNOLD
Light flows our war of mocking words, and yet,
Behold, with tears mine eyes are wet!
I feel a nameless sadness o'er me roll.
Yes, yes, we know that we can jest,
We know, we know that we can smile!
But there's a something in this breast,
To which thy light words bring no rest,
And thy gay smiles no anodyne.
Give me thy hand, and hush awhile,
And turn those limpid eyes on mine,
And let me read there, love! thy inmost soul.

Alas! is even love too weak
To unlock the heart, and let it speak?
Are even lovers powerless to reveal
To one another what indeed they feel?
I knew the mass of men conceal'd
Their thoughts, for fear that if reveal'd
They would by other men be met
With blank indifference, or with blame reproved;
I knew they lived and moved
Trick'd in disguises, alien to the rest
Of men, and alien to themselves—and yet
The same heart beats in every human breast!

But we, my love!—doth a like spell benumb
Our hearts, our voices?—must we too be dumb?

Ah! well for us, if even we,
Even for a moment, can get free
Our heart, and have our lips unchain'd;
For that which seals them hath been deep-ordain'd!

Fate, which foresaw
How frivolous a baby man would be—
By what distractions he would be possess'd,
How he would pour himself in every strife,
And well-nigh change his own identity—
That it might keep from his capricious play
His genuine self, and force him to obey
Even in his own despite his being's law,
Bade through the deep recesses of our breast
The unregarded river of our life
Pursue with indiscernible flow its way;
And that we should not see
The buried stream, and seem to be
Eddying at large in blind uncertainty,
Though driving on with it eternally.

But often, in the world's most crowded streets,
But often, in the din of strife,
There rises an unspeakable desire
After the knowledge of our buried life;
A thirst to spend our fire and restless force
In tracking out our true, original course;
A longing to inquire
Into the mystery of this heart which beats
So wild, so deep in us—to know
Whence our lives come and where they go.
And many a man in his own breast then delves,
But deep enough, alas! none ever mines.
And we have been on many thousand lines,
And we have shown, on each, spirit and power;
But hardly have we, for one little hour,
Been on our own line, have we been ourselves—
Hardly had skill to utter one of all
The nameless feelings that course through our breast,
But they course on for ever unexpress'd.
And long we try in vain to speak and act
Our hidden self, and what we say and do
Is eloquent, is well—but 't is not true!
And then we will no more be rack'd
With inward striving, and demand
Of all the thousand nothings of the hour
Their stupefying power;
Ah yes, and they benumb us at our call!
Yet still, from time to time, vague and forlorn,
From the soul's subterranean depth upborne
As from an infinitely distant land,
Come airs, and floating echoes, and convey
A melancholy into all our day.
Only—but this is rare—
When a belovèd hand is laid in ours,
When, jaded with the rush and glare
Of the interminable hours,
Our eyes can in another's eyes read clear,
When our world-deafen'd ear
Is by the tones of a loved voice caress'd—
A bolt is shot back somewhere in our breast,
And a lost pulse of feeling stirs again.
The eye sinks inward, and the heart lies plain,
And what we mean, we say, and what we would, we know.
A man becomes aware of his life's flow,
And hears its winding murmur; and he sees
The meadows where it glides, the sun, the breeze.

And there arrives a lull in the hot race
Wherein he doth for ever chase
That flying and elusive shadow, rest.
An air of coolness plays upon his face,
And an unwonted calm pervades his breast.
And then he thinks he knows
The hills where his life rose,
And the sea where it goes.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

On Singing

On my idle days, I like nothing better than to catch up on all the pop culture tidbits I've missed over the course of the workweek. In my search for the most recent results for UK's X-Factor (I have to say that I am a Simon Cowell fan--what a real, genuine, genius of a guy), I came across this performance from Halloween week:



As a performer myself, and having been on stage many, many times in my life, I have to say that it takes a certain amount of sheer guts to just get up on stage in front of the masses, let alone perform like such. And in form of song too--somehow I think that it takes a special kind of person to be a singer. Not only do you obviously require the vocal chops, but singing is like pouring your heart and soul out to an audience who not even 5 seconds ago knew what your name was.

I have been singing for most of my life, and was lucky enough to have been brought up in a family who appreciated music, and the many aspects of it. Two of my grandmothers sang opera in post-WWII Philippines. My father's older sister was a music teacher as long as I could remember. The first record I laid my hands on was my grandmother's copy (a 45) of Rodger and Hammerstein's The Sound of Music, and the first album I bought with my own hard-earned money (Php 100 incentives for acing exams) was Gary Valenciano's 1989 album Faces of Love. I still remember bobbing my 5-year-old head (bowl haircut and all) to my father's Sweet Child O' Mine record, and singing along to Earth, Wind and Fire's Reasons--his favorite song. I was forcibly taught piano at age 7 (something my rebellious little brain vehemently resented and blocked out, which would explain why I cannot for the life of me play it to save my life). I asked my grandfather for a guitar for my 12th birthday, after seeing a circa 1970's picture of my mother playing the instrument, all flower-child and bohemian-like. I taught myself to play it, albeit rather inconsistently. I bought a violin at age 25 after seeing Lucia Micarelli play Emmanuel alongside my favorite jazz instrumentalist, Chris Botti. It now sits in a corner of my room, gathering dust. For my 27th birthday, I received a berimbau, a Brazilian traditional percussion instrument played during capoeira (which I have been practicing for almost three years). I am still not able to string it by myself, and my pinky finger still has not acclimated itself to the pain that came with having to support the entire instrument while I play it. I am planning to purchase a pandeiro (tambourine) as a Christmas gift for myself, still in line with what I do as a capoeirista.

With all my fortunes and misfortunes with music and musical instruments, singing has been the sole activity/entity that has remained with me through the years. It saw me through the confusion about my parent's separation at 6; through the struggles of belonging as a teen; through the deaths of my grandmother and father;   through falling in love and having my heart broken for the first time; through the numerous college papers and projects and exams (thanks, in part, to Do Not Delay, the band I fronted on my last semesters in school); through the decision to move half the world away and figure out what I want to do with my life; through wars and recessions--general and personal; through getting the hang of new work, family, friendships, relationships, relation-shits, etc. Through everything, really.

I recently upped the level of singing in my life by enrolling in voice classes. Then singing in my first ever cabaret show. Then joining a chorale group. Then performing with the group, and solo in a recital. And that was only the beginning.

I definitely feel a lot more confident in my voice now, and I am slowly but surely getting a hang of really performing. It takes a nice voice to sing, but to perform in full abandon is another thing. It's like giving a piece of your heart to a complete stranger, and trusting them to do the right thing with it.

Living is a risk. And when you choose to make singing a huge part of your life (or in some cases, make a living out of singing), you are taking one hell of a risk. Logic tells us that as long as there are risks involved, there will always be a 50-50 chance of a good thing happening. To me, the ability to say afterwards that, "Yes, I tried it." is reward enough.



A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song.
Maya Angelou

Autumn and Remembrance

Fall, no--Autumn. I love that word, and everything it means to me. The physical--oranges, and reds and yellows; cold, bundle-up weather; shorter days and longer nights. The mental and emotional--new beginnings and old (re)discoveries; happy and unhappy endings; the year winding down and me, excitedly anticipating what the coming year has in store.

Living the past months felt like riding a rollercoaster blindfolded. I never just really knew everything about anything, despite the sheer confidence I had in myself that I'll emerge out of experiences saying, "Aha! I knew that!"

For the sake of clarity, I am going to list down things that have significantly stood out since 2010 started. Since January 2010, I:

  1. celebrated my 2nd year in capoeira
  2. met new friends who have consistently been in my life since I met them
  3. traveled all around California
  4. have been on more dates than my college years combined
  5. danced and played capoeira in a street parade
  6. have been partying at least twice monthly
  7. did some crazy sh*t
  8. enrolled in voice classes
  9. joined a chorale group
  10. sang on stage with a group
  11. sang on stage alone
  12. rediscovered my love for poetry
  13. joined a poetry contest and started a poetry blog
  14. read my work in public
  15. met a boy I grew to really like
  16. fell in love
  17. got burned
  18. bawled my eyes out in a posh restaurant with two very understanding co-workers (and now, friends)
  19. rekindled an old "friendship"
  20. rediscovered new hopes about so many things
  21. started another blog
....and the year isn't even close to really ending. Oh, the possibilities are indeed, endless.